First Day of Fall – 2015

Well, the first day of fall has come and gone, it honestly just felt like another day to me.

Here lately nothing has really changed. All days blend together and things seem to get worse and worse, suppose that’s the way it goes when you’re part of a very, very, very poor family.

I’ve tried to stay positive, tried to keep up the smiles and the laughter and the thinking, ‘Everything is going to be okay,’ attitude but my resolve is starting to falter.

I’ve noticed lately, no matter how early I go to sleep, I can’t seem to wake up. It’s like I’m perpetually tired and trapped in this cruel nightmare that reminds me of Groundhog Day.

Almost like I’m stuck on a hamster wheel and every day is the same with just a different name.

I can’t even seem to focus on art or writing anymore. Everything I used to love and enjoy just feels like work now. Work that is going nowhere and will only been seen by my eyes.

I know this is negative thinking. I shouldn’t think negative, hell, I’m talking to myself practically typing these words.

But really, I don’t believe anything is going to change. No matter how hard I try, how hard I push, how hard I focus everything, every tiny ounce of energy into everything I do. It never seems to be enough.

Someone else comes by and shoots me down or another tragedy happens and everything gets thrown to the back burner.

In truth I’m sick of it. But what am I to do?

There is nothing anymore. Nobody out there that will pat me on the back and say, “Keep going, keep fighting,” because honestly there is nobody. I’m really alone. Anytime I try to express my feelings and pent up emotions to anyone in my family or anyone I know, they never understand.

They always say, “Why the attitude?” “Why are you upset?” “You have nothing to be upset about,” or my favorite, “Everything isn’t about you, try and think about other peoples feelings.”

All I’ve been doing as of late is thinking of others feelings, but then when it comes to my feelings, none of them want to hear it. And those that do, really don’t. Sure they ask, how are you feeling? You’re honest with them and well, that’s the end of that. No time for it, or you automatically become self-centered.

Aren’t friends supposed to be there for each other? I’ll listen and help you through problems, if you’ll do the same for me?

I guess I have a different outlook on friendship than others. It’s sad, and to be honest I’m just done with everything. I keep hitting walls no matter which way I go, and I’m just tired. Always tired.

I was looking forward to the first day of fall, since it leads up to my favorite holiday, Halloween. But honestly, the only thing that has fallen so far, is me.

I’m not trying to be melodramatic. I’m all around serious. I have no idea what I’m headed for, and to be frank, it’s beginning to scare me a bit. I feel trapped, all alone, and unheard. 😦 I don’t know what to do anymore.

Sorry for blabbing, if there’s any readers out there (haha, right?) that has felt the same, could someone give me a bit of advice? Please?

Until next time,

T.W.W.